Trust

“Only trust thyself, and another shall not betray thee.”

William Penn quotes (English Quaker leader and Founder of Pennsylvania, 1644-1718)

Case of mysterious disease

MCGM (Municipal Corporation of Greater Mumbai) officials say that approximately 8,000 people, from all across the country and neighboring countries (Bangladesh and Nepal) come to Mumbai everyday.

3000 out of them train and educate themselves (enhance their skill set) to become taxi and auto drivers. 3700 people start working with their Bhai log and help them in their various businesses like selling Vada Pao, Misal Pao, Bhaji, Pani puri, newspaper delivery, pimps, pizza deliver, dhobis, presswalas (not journalists) courier services, restaurant delivery service, DVD delivery service and liquor delivery service etc. Many of them become go on to become security guards and watchmen and end up killing each other. Many of them choose the “entertainment industry” and work as Bar Dancers or even “you know what,” if they are willing to take some initiative and risks in life. Some of them work in Crawford market and sell pirated Jackie Chan’s movies, Pirated Mont Blanc pens, Gucci apparels, Rolex watches and Louise Vuitton bags. The people with real people skills are the ones which stand outside the shops in Colaba and sweet-talk foreigners into spending some dollars in a specific shop. They are mostly freelancers, multilingual and sell “everything’, provided you have the mood and funds for it.

Few of them are lucky to be educated in Engleesh medium and end up working with companies as sales representatives, space sellers, call center executives, cell phone consultants, computer engineers, (repairing etc) Bank’s customer care specialist and management trainees. (A term used by MNC’S to make a fool of young people). The sharper ones become Real Estate and property consultants. Few of them end up doing soaps on Ekta Kapoor’s TV serials, talking crap on TV as a VJs, radio jockeys and Journalists. There are people who have nothing better to do and end up being bloggers. FYI: I know few of them personally. Many of them get work in the film industry as clap boys and junior artists. Some people are born artists and sharpen their skills by spray painting graffiti on the walls, playing Jai Santoshi Maa songs on Dhols, (in front of Jackie Shroff’s house), Singing in the trains and painting movie posters.

I am dedicating this post to people in this group, who suffer from mysterious disease after landing in Mumbai. My doctor friend, who also happens to be an expert in Forensic science, has finally solved the puzzle of sick immigrants.

According to him, there’s a very large group of people (the people who come to Mumbai every day) are the ones who religiously stand outside Salman Khan’s house. They know everything there is to know about this guy. Whom is he hanging around with, when is he getting married, why is he not getting married, how much is he making per movie, names of siblings, parents, parentage, genes and personal life. For these guys, he is their blood brother. If someone walks past Band Stand where Salman lives, you will see these people sitting bang opposite on the stairs of Bandstand Esplanade. Just next, to the land digger machine.

According to my doctor friend, this is the group of people who suffer from the mysterious disease. These guys are in real sense, are the chosen one, the prodigal sons, who have the dedication to stand outside his house for days without taking a shower and without taking a dump. The only thing they get to eat there is Sheng, Sookha Bhel and chilly chowmein. The shit builds up, coupled with Sookha Bhel and chilly chowmein making different deadly gases in their bodies and messing with their GIT (Gastro Intestinal Track) in the process.

So, if you smell anything peculiar on Carter Road, its time to know that Salman Khan has shifted to his new house. It’s the distinguished smell of 1240 immigrants farting simultaneously.

Black Eyed Boys

Since this is not a geek blog, we will try and keep this post as simple as possible. While talking to one of a senior cell phone executives, I was amazed to know a fact which kind of creeped me out. The person said that the police and your cellular network provider knows exactly where you are in the world to within a hundred metres.

You know how a cell phone works? It primarily communicates through waves with a cell base station, the antennas of which are usually mounted on a tower, pole, or on Shahrukh Khan's building. The phones have a low-power transceiver that transmits voice and data to the nearest cell sites, usually not more than 500 mts to 1 km away. When the mobile phone or data device is turned on, it registers with the mobile telephone exchange, with its unique identifiers, and will then be alerted by the mobile switch when there is an incoming telephone call. The handset constantly listens for the strongest signal being received from the surrounding base stations. That's why you receive strong or week signals depending upon where you are. Its the nearest tower which communicates with you. So by comparing the signal strengths for the signals at each station, your network can triangulate your position and figure out where you are.

So it does not matter whether you are using it or not, it should just be switched on, for police to know where you are. This service was and is being used by police everywhere to track a criminal or somebody who needs to be followed for security purposes like a politician or an important person like me.

Now the most interesting thing. All GSM phone companies have equipment which can track a cell phone. So just because the companies have a facility, why not make some money out of it? So according to my source, companies in India, will soon be offering tracking services for your own cell phones. So, if your wife is carrying a cell phone which has this tracking service, you will know exactly where she is, withing a hundred metres. This service will be used by parents to keep a track of children, girlfriends to monitor boy friends and vice verse.

So If Ravi Yadava is having a misal at Bandra, he will have to say Misal. Not that " I"m at Gym or in a meeting".

Thousands of marriages will be broken. Parents will be shocked to hear their "Pyare, bhola bhala" Kids lie, through their teeth. Millions of boyfriends will get bashed for lying to their girl friends. I know couple of these kind, myself. Employees will be sacked. Government officials will be suspended. There will chaos everywhere. Every second man will have an black eye.

What bloody fun.

Reference Reference Reference Reference Reference

Irving Stone

I recently read "Lust for life", a novel on the life of Vincent Van Gogh. Its a brilliant piece of work which mesmerises you, from the page one. Anyone who reads it, will be intrigued by this entertaining and deeply passionate novel. I felt the bruises on my arms every time one of Vincent's intense crushes denied him and every time ignorant critics laughed at his work. It confronted the problems we all deal with on a day to day basis (doing what you really love to do) as well as the sadness of life. While I was reading the novel, I fell in love with the guy who wrote it, instead of the person he was talking about. Irving Stone, according to me, is one of the finest story teller I've read, in a long time. He has written about Michelangelo, John Noble, Sigmund Freud, Charles Darwin, Camille Pissarro, Clarence Darrow, John Adams, Jack London and of course Van Gogh.

He has the ability of turning a normal human being into God, giving them a larger than life image. How intense this guy would have been in his life, who could write so intensively about other people. Blessed are the people who interacted with him.

Some of his important works:

Lust for Life - based on the life of Vincent van Gogh
The Passionate Journey - based on the life of John Noble
The Agony and the Ecstasy - based on the life of Michelangelo
The Passions of the Mind - based on the life of Sigmund Freud
The Greek Treasure - based on the discovery of Troy by Heinrich Schliemann
The Origin - based on the life of Charles Darwin
Depths of Glory - based on the life of Camille Pissarro
For the Defense - based on the life of Clarence Darrow
Those Who Love - based on the life of John Adams
Sailor on Horseback - based on the life of Jack London.

धीर धीर रे मनः

धीरै धीरै रे मनः धीरै सुब कुछ होए,
माली सींचे सो घरा, ऋतू आये फल होय

Upon us all a little rain must fall: Led Zeppelin

Last evening, the bloody clouds played with my emotions, big time. They came so promisingly but went away like a true politician, without giving us anything. Not even couple of drops.

As it is, life sucks and now this. Is there anything wrong in expecting so little from life? साली बारीश ही तो माँग रहा हूँ , कोई बील गेट्स की कुर्सी तो नहीं।

This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all a little rain must fall: Led Zeppelin

Lord have mercy

I was coming back to Mumbai from Pune, recently and was sitting at the booking office of Neeta Bus Service. Its on Jangli Maharaj Road which is housed in the most rundown piece of shit, structure anyone have ever seen. The less said, the better. The booking guy told us that the journey will take around 3 hours from Jangli Maharaj road to reach Sion, in Mumbai.

While we were waiting for the bus to come in, I saw this guy, trying to fix his specs, all by himself. Looking at his confidence level, I could figure, that its a on going process and he knows how to go about it. One of the lenses from his specs had dropped out and he was trying to put it back, without the help of any tools. He first tried locating for a tool which could open up the screw which holds the lens to the frame. He searched all over, asked people in the office, went to each and every passenger and when he could not find a sharp object, he proceeded to use his long finger nail.

It took him a good 20 minutes to open it up. I'm sure he must have broken couple of nails in the bargain but hey, who's complaining. Once the filthy lens was firmly set in, he proceeded to close the screw which held the soda bottle glass to the frame. Trust me, it took him another 20 minutes to tighten the screw. While doing this exercise, all the customers who came to him for any help were send to someone else who was eating his grub. After all, this was more important than attending to the clients. Every five minutes, he opened up a bottle of some ayurvedic stuff he was selling on the side, took a swig and proceeded with his work. Some kind of stuff which increases the hemoglobin. According to the banner in the back.

I saw this exercise with utmost awe. A person like me, with so little patience, would have just smashed the specs on the floor. Seeing the kind of respect these guys had for time, I predicted to my friend sitting next to me, that our bus will not take three hours but at least 5 hours to reach Mumbai.

I went out to buy some stuff and was surprised to see an optician shop, right next door. He could have just walked over and got the guy with the tools to get it all set in less than a minute. Most of the time, they don't even charge anything for such trivial job.

As predicted, our bus took 6 hours to reach Sion. Its another story about how the driver of the bus took 22 minutes just to adjust his rear view mirrors and 15 minutes to start the DVD player.

Lord have mercy.

A Blogger's way of resigning

A girl, whom my good friend finds quite cute, has send me something for my blog. She feels that bloggers are obsessed with their blogs, even if nobody logs in or reads it regularly. This post is only meant for serious ( real losers ) bloggers and not for normal people with normal dreams and aspirations.

My apologies for using a spam mail in my blog but it was too good to be missed. Thanks to Ringo guy.

Family Dentist

The amount of money we guys have given to various Dentists over a period of 20 years, is not funny. I think, its time to employ our own, a good looking, sweet, nice smile, young, female Dentist.

Our own family dentist on call. Does anyone know a good looking woman dentist who wants to work with us on a regular basis. Qualifications flexible because we have pretty good experience ourselves, since we have seen it all.

PS: I can see clearly some people laughing at our misery. They may not show it but I know, that deep inside they have the urge to distribute some gyan to us. Koi Baat Nahin. Maybe they don't see that we are ones who brush our teeth 4 times a day. They are just plain blessed and nothing more than that.

Philosophy of Happiness

My very close friend's girlfriend, whom he loves a lot, has a kick ass theory on relationships and happiness. Its known as theory of "koi fight hai" 'koi fight nahin". This is one of the best theories which has hit the management philosophy scene in the last couple of years. Peter Drucker was so happy with this theory ( when he was alive) that he mentioned the theory in his latest book. Poor soul died and could not really talk about, either his book or this theory. The best part is that most of the people don't know that this theory of "koi fight hai" 'koi fight nahin" is the brainchild of a Indian Philosophy Guru, who happens to be a young girl and lives in Bandra, Mount Mary Road, in an lovely apartment, overlooking Worli Sea link.

This theory is the continuation of the "scene hai" "Koi scene nahin" theory. If you remember, this "Scene hai" "Koi Scene Nahin" theory got this girl the award for the best " Management Philosophy Theory of the Decade award". She was facilitated by none other than the President and was offered scholarships by 18 universities, all across the world. Its a different story that she wanted to serve Mother Country and decided against joining any Firangi Universities.

People continuously seek to increase one's level of state happiness by seeking increased levels of pleasure and satisfaction. Many contemporary explorations of happiness in everyday life are based upon a subjective state of well-being. Investigators ask people about their current feelings, whether they are hopeful about the future etc. and from this establish some measure of happiness in a particular time and place. This sort of approach is based on the belief that there is such a thing as 'feeling good' and 'feeling bad' - and that people can identify and talk about it.

The "koi fight hai" 'koi fight nahin" theory is basically about the state of mind of an average Human being. It primarily deals with the model of subjective well-being , which proposes that the state of happiness, the colloquial equivalent of subjective well-being, is achieved by exercising and conditioning mind to two questions. "koi fight hai" 'koi fight nahin". She further explains that human happiness is largely independent of our life circumstances. This explains why the wealthy aren’t much happier than the middle class, married people aren’t much happier than single people, healthy people aren’t much happier than sick people, and so on.

According to her, people should continuously ask themselves two questions, every hour of the day, to help them find true happiness. The human life cycle can really be classified into two stages of "koi fight hai" 'koi fight nahin". She was with me couple of minutes back and she gave me a classic example. Suppose you have no sugar at home and there is no way you can get any at 2 AM. There can be two ways in which your mind can react. "koi fight hai" 'koi fight nahin". She says, the moment your mind says "koi fight nahin", every thing becomes simple and uncomplicated. Your mind kind of, forces yourself out of the stage of unhappiness if, your answer would have been "Koi Fight Hai". She further adds that it is for us to take every thing as "Koi Fight Nahin" if we really want to feel the eternal happiness, which only Sadhus or Rishis have attained.

So next time you fail in your board exams, just say "Koi Fight Nahin". Meet with an accident and happen to break couple of bones " Koi Fight Nahin".

JUJU Bar & Restaurant

And I was always given the impression that you were working in Mumbai, Juju.

View of a Goan Beach

Ill mannered, cheap, uneducated, socially irresponsible guys

YOU should be ashamed of yourself. Polluting mother Earth.

Set up your own legal and cheap family Distillery

This is how a feni factory looks like from the outside. Its normally concealed in such a manner to avoid people peeping in. Feni enjoys the status of Cottage Industry in Goa, so anyone can just start making it.



I was in Goa on a business trip. One day, I asked my host to show me a typical Feni Distillery. I think, she laughed and took me to the her neighbour's place. After seeing the way typical Feni is made, I was quite pleased with myself that I never quite enjoyed or drank Feni.

It is a easy process and will not cost more than Rs.20,000 to get it all organised. On a full capacity, it gives you around 20 litres of Feni everyday, for you and your family. So next time your guest comes in, serve her your own house labelled Feni. Cheap and bloody strong.

I took some pictures for easy understanding. Its a three step process and requires just one dedicated worker.





This is the part where the liquid alcohal is distilled.


The distillery part is dipped in cold water to convert vapors into alcohal.


The tank where the fruit extract is kept to rot.


Cashew fruit is left to seep into a tank, to collect, which is kept for a month to rot.



The boiler room. Wooden oven.


The rotted juice, ready for extraction and distillation.

The cheap labourer who works 8-10 hrs a day for US 4.00 a day.

Annoucement System

The airport authority is spending some few millions on the upgrading the airports. Just spend some money on a half decent announcement system, which makes it easier for us to understand which flight are they talking about. The sound system is so shitty, ( I can bet ) that even if they abuse people, nobody will understand.

Ladies and gentleman, you all are *** ****** ***** ******** ********* ******* and have a nice day. Thank you.

Delhi Airport

The flight gets delay because an Indian Airline plane force lands, in the morning. So this aircraft is still on the runway, making every flight late by an hour. I just hope that they don't make me wait longer, with these guys.

Just looking at them, makes me hungry.

Road Ki Rani

Yesterday, I went to visit someone in the family, who lives in Safdarjung Enclave. Now I, live at a place called Gurgaon, which is roughly 20 Kms from Safdarjung Enclave. I was delayed by a good, one hour and could sense the disappointment around me. Today, I want to take this opportunity of explaining to them, the reasons for my delay.

According to a study done recently, New Delhi has the largest concentration of dim-witted drivers in the whole world. The study discusses different kinds of stupid drivers. There are the "Just Plain Stupid" drivers who are confused by the number of pedals on the floor, of the car. This breed has a problem remembering which one makes the car go and which one makes it stop. They are the one wondering whether they will be served "Butter Chicken" or "Dal Fry" for dinner. There is no doubt that they are too stupid to do more than one thing at a time and considering the fact, that they are driving like a dimwitted monkey, they should concentrate only on driving and nothing else. If the speed limit is 60 Kmph, then how about doing at least that fast. They are painfully slow and it’s almost impossible for people to pass them. They are sadists who enjoy speeding up when there is an opportunity for the people behind them to pass and slow down when it is not possible for them to pass.

Then there are the ones who don’t understand the concept of the lane driving. This is the most common group of drivers, found in India. We all know the fact, that the far end lane to the right is the fastest lane, where it’s good to be, when you have a fast car. Not when you are driving a Fiat or an Auto. Come on. These kind of idiots are just too lazy or don't have the reflexes to shift properly through the lanes. Then there is the category of drivers, who cuts you off. They drive with an expression of being the new Prime Minister of the country, who needs to be at the NAM conference at that very time. Looking at them makes you think about your next to nothing life. I really don't care if these bastards die in a road accident but hey, please but don't take me along.

The most interesting are the women drivers. Hello ladies, do not hate me for this. You have excellent qualities and skill sets. You are a unique and wonderful creation of God. He made you with his own hands and loves you more than he loves a man. But, please, don't drive. If your father or husband says you are a good driver, it’s probably, just pure unadulterated bullshit. The moment I see a woman driver, I run for my life. Vaughn Grant used to say that if you see a bad driver, it’s either a she or his mother must have taught him how to drive. I may get a thrashing for this insensitive remark but I am willing to take the risk, for the sake of articulating the truth.

Another kind is the one who decides he wants to be in the spot in front of me, while I'm sitting in this traffic. Hey, Stupid! The traffic in that spot is not moving any faster than it is in the lane next to me. Stay in your lane because what you do often may cause genuine problems. But I guess, that's the only way to get him and his stupid friends off the road. For now however, get your finger out of your nose and just sit patiently in traffic with the rest of us.

Then there is the kind who turns on and turns off their indicators, without any apparent reason. Real Dimwits. As if they are trying to tell people, that because they paid for the vehicle, so they have a right to do anything with her. They also leave an indicator on, for long periods of time to keep the people behind them guessing about their intention. They even switch between the left and right indicator to add to the already confused state.

India is a free country and we are all allowed our freedom of expression. Even if it translates, into buying the biggest, loudest and ugliest sounding horn. This is the finest tool to assert authority on the road. The bigger, the better. "Road ki Rani" is the expression meant for not the owners of the biggest automobile but for the owners of the loudest horn. They use it whenever, they are given the opportunity. Or use it, whenever they have no opportunity. Meaning, use it whenever you are getting bored or can't think of anything to say to your wife sitting, next to you.

Listening to cheap, loud, English songs on a loud stereo systems are the another kind. They neither understand English nor care about understanding it. The only reason they have the song on, at a ear spliting level, is because they have invested a great amount of money on a new CD Player and they want to empress their driving neighbours with their knowledge of Engleesh music. It’s quite cool to chew gum, while listening to some inane English music than chewing gum while listening to Hindi music. Every time they stop at a red light, they roll down the windows and crank up the volume.

Now tell me, with these kind of dim witted drivers on the road, who can reach on time?

Abba Dabba Jabba

I was not actually surprised to read in Today's Newspaper, that Shakti Kapoor was slapped, woman handled, cursed and beaten up in Ujjain, a city in MP, by a women's group. I have a long association with MP and understand the capabilities of its women, fully well. The more I read the story, the more I started smiling. I have actually seen the aggression of women from MP. There is something in the soil. There is something in the water. There is something in the Namkeen, they eat. I once saw a group of three Ujjani girls, running after an eve teaser, catching him and then thrashing him, in the middle of "Freegunj". My friend who was eating a "sabudana dosa" at that time, was so shaken up by the thrashing he saw, that he has not touched a sabudana dosa, till date. Be it in train or in a plane, a woman of MP will never take a "battamizi" lying down. She would give it back to you, then and there.

I would have been surprised if this episode would have happened in Mumbai or Delhi where people just love to yap and don't react on a day to day एपिसोदेस. Women burnt alive, no problem. Women, molested on local train. Koi baat nahin. Hota Hai. Choti Skirt hogi. We in Mumbai, suffer from a big city syndrome where nobody gives a शीट. We just want our space and our right to do whatever. A smaller town women is more aggressive and socially responsible when it comes to women's issues. I may be totally wrong on this ,but this is my perception and understanding.

Its a funny analysis but if you look at the kind of personalities born in MP, you will realise that these guys are quite aggressive and know how to make themselves heard. Even if it means, giving couple of tight slaps on Shakti Kapoor's Cheeks. Take a look at the list. Kishore Kumar, Lata Mangeshkar, Uma Bharati, Osho Rajneesh, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, Dr. B.R. Ambedkar, Phulan Devi, Salman Khan, M.F. Hussain were all born in MP. You know now, where Salman Khan gets his aggression from.

I've heard that M.F.Hussain shits bricks, just thinking about stepping on the MP soil. He understands that the women of MP will draw his "Painting", the moment he lands there.

“Hum MP ki nari hain, phool nahi, chingari hain…”

Theek Bola. Danger Hai Baap.

Mahagyan Mahakalyan

有空穴来风,毫无拉屎无臭味. 每当拉屎的情况,臭气熏天以下. 就是普遍真理. 这是一种疯狂的官方日志、懒惰、underachiver能力.

Car il n'y a aucune fumée sans feu, il n'y a aucune merde sans puanteur. Toutes les fois que la merde se produit, la puanteur suit. C'est la vérité universelle. C'est le weblog officiel d'un underachiver fou, paresseux, capable.

Da es keinen Rauch ohne Feuer gibt, gibt es keine Scheiße ohne Gestank. Wann immer Scheiße geschieht, folgt Gestank. Die ist die Universalwahrheit. Dieses ist das amtliche weblog eines verrückten, faulen, fähigen underachiver.

Poichè non ci è fumo senza fuoco, non ci è merda senza puzzo. Ogni volta che la merda accade, il puzzo segue. Quella è la verità universale. Ciò è il weblog ufficiale di un underachiver pazzesco, pigro, capace.

煙が火なしではないので、たわごとは悪臭なしではない。 たわごとが起こる時はいつでも、悪臭は続く。 それは普遍的な真実である。 これは狂気、不精で、可能なunderachiverの公式のweblogである。

Porque não há nenhum fumo sem fogo, não há nenhuma merda sem fedor. Sempre que a merda acontece, o fedor segue. Aquela é a verdade universal. Este é o weblog oficial de um underachiver louco, preguiçoso, capaz.

Pues no hay humo sin fuego, no hay mierda sin hedor. Siempre que suceda la mierda, el hedor sigue. Ésa es la verdad universal. Éste es el weblog oficial de un underachiver loco, perezoso, capaz.

Как нет дыма без огня, нет дерьма, не воссмердело. Всякий раз, когда случается дерьмо, ненавистным образом. Это универсальная истина. Это из официальной веб-журнал с ума, ленивой, способный underachiver.

아니땐 굴뚝에 연기나랴로, 악취 없이 아무 배설물도 없다. 배설물이 일어난다 언제든지, 악취는 따른다. 저것은 보편적인 진실이다. 이것은 미치고, 게으르고, 가능한 underachiver의 공식적인 weblog이다.

Band Stand Unedited 5 in the morning.

Let there be agony, forever.

Car gets towed twice.
Radiator Breaks.
The coffee was bekar.
The draft did not get cleared.
Stomach upset.
No walks for 3 days.
The DVD players stops working.
The client acts like a child.
Barber is sick with flu.
No more music.
Only shirt, torn.
Take home Chinese sucked.
Lift too slow.
Neighbour's Dog has not barked.
The letters, still incomplete.
The new Red Wine is worse than Piss.
Internet down for a full day.
Sugarless Tea.
Soup was like sauce.

उन्देर्स्तान्डिंग Tags

I wanted to write a post on Tag Cloud but decided against it after I read an Brilliant article on Tag clouds by my friend Joe Lamantia. What he says is just brilliant and its no use writing anything more than this. And, I seriously can't add any value to the article. Here.

Just want you to know that its quite important for me and my readers. This is all you need to know and this the what I am willing to tell. Its a state secret. So, there. Period. Finito.

This company is which gave me my tag clouds. We really don't want to thank them but then its politically incorrect. So, a bloody curt thanks, from our side.

What I really need is a Flash Based Tag Cloud. Can someone do it for us? We'll pay, of course, in kind.

Beautiful Eyes

We were doing some wildlife photography for one of our clients. We were in our twin seater charted helicopter and were pleased with the day's work. As the day was coming to an end, we were packing our equiptment. All of a sudden, we saw this guy running into the thick jungle. Our pilot, who had great experience working with world renowned photographers, took a sharp turn and made the chopper run after this guy. The sound made this animal, stop for a nano second. Enough time for Christine Charlton, to grab the nearest camera and take the picture.

It’s not very sharp, as its quite late in the evening. But look at the way, its looking up, at us.

Beautiful eyes, I must say.

Peter Chen

I am quite enjoying posting stupid comments and intelligent stories on my blog. This blog's traffic has increased 2300%, since the last month and majority of the readers have started hating me. I think, its a good sign. Hate is the first step to love. People will, start loving me also,one day. Its just a matter of few more bloody years.

The more one uses the blog, the more he/she understands the tricks and learning which goes along with it. I have learned quite a bit of HTML, TTML, FTML, MTNL, CCTMLN and other computer related languages. For the Morons, its a code langauge which allows the writer/editor to edit and specify certain parameters in a blog.

I wanted a photo in my blog header desperately, so I had to learn a language called FTML. It did take me couple of weeks of hard work and dedication but I learned it. Yes sir.

Couple of weeks back, I again wanted my blog to have a "favorite icon" or favicon. I wanted it as badly as, Paris Hilton wants an Oscar. Its a unique icon that appears next to a web site's URL in the address bar of a web browser. Like the one Yahoo or Google has. The art of doing it, is quite secretive and is generally passed on by Chinese Masters to their sons. I was fortunate to find myself one master, who, after 20 hours of hard labour, and walking on Burning coal, took pity on me and decided to teach me the code language. The training was tougher than "Karate Kid". Trust me.

His name, ladies and Morons, is Peter Chen. He is 60 year young, doesn't look a day older than 40 and puts Jackie Chan to shame. BTW: He is not related to Jackie Chan, so please don't start sending him your modelling portfolios. He can't get you any movie offers. He has a wonderful family and comes from a family of "siew chooi" ( Means, a great scholar, in Chinese ). Correct me, if I am wrong, Peter. You understand, my Chinese is not very good.

He has one of the best blogs on Blogging tricks and lessons. Please visit him here.

Please also visit these guys who were kind enough to bear all my expenses of travelling, sight seeing and hosting etc. The hotel did not serve "Starbucks" coffee, though.

Thanks a Ton, Peter.

Welcome Home, Losers

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In a Democracy, the people get the government they deserve
- Alexis de Tocqueville


In a Democracy, the people get the cricket team they deserve
- Prof Sidharth Rao

Rambling about Ramblers

Everyone of us knows that the bloggers are the most intelligent species on this universe. Including me.

The best part is that most of us ( 98.9%) according to a survey, are very creative when it comes to picking up blog names. Over a period of few months, I've been send e-mails by hundreds of bloggers requesting them to mention them in my blog. After all, my blog traffic is one of the highest, in this part of the world. While going through the e-mails of the bloggers, something struck me like, intelligence strikes Paris Hilton. I realised, that a very high percentage of the blogs have the word "Rambling" in their blog title. The most fasicinating thing is that everyone of them, might have actually sat down for hours to get their title name registered, with the word rambling/s in it.

Imagine, a new blogger who wants a name for his blog. But at the same time, he also "desperately" wants "Ramblings" in his blog title. He is in love with this word and cannot live without it, you know. So she is all set to ramble and get herself a new blog. The first search is "Insane Ramblings". Name already taken. Okay. "Half insane Ramblings". Name already taken. Okay. "Ass hole ramblings". Name already taken. Cool. How about "you are a mother fucker ramblings". Already taken. Okay. Lets try this. " Triple half glass full Ramblings". You guessed it. Name Already taken.

To make the matter simple, I went and searched the word "Ramblings" in blog search. It so happens that, as many as 600,000 bloggers have named their blog "Ramblings this or Rambling that". What the fuck, man. Is there no other substitute for this word? If all the bloggers, who have named their blogs Ramblings; know the meaning of this word, then why on Mother Mary, are they putting us through this torture? Are we not already, captive audience, of our spouse's ramblings. I decided to waste few more of my precious moments to dig a little deeper. I wanted to compile a list of the most creative usage of the word "Ramblings", in a blog title.

It is humanly impossible for me to make a complete list but I could go on till 20 pages of blog search. You are free to add your own list, if you are as big a loser, as I am. Please leave your own creative Rambling name. Go ahead, try it. Its not easy to get a name registered which is different than others and which has not already being taken. And please, don't forget to Digg it, if you like it.


Ramblings of a Shadow
Incoherent Ramblings
Red Shoe Ramblings
Aimless Ramblings from a Blithering Lunatic
Internal Ramblings
Ramblings Inside My Wild Mind l
Ramblings in Space and Time
Ramblings from the Mind of Struht
Aimless Ramblings of Zefrog
Ramblings of a mind fucked loser
Infernal Ramblings
Visual ramblings
Incoherent Ramblings of a Punk in Suburbia
Extemporaneous Ramblings
Ramblings from the outside of nowhere
Ramblings of an insane mind
Ramblings From The Reservation
Ramblings from The Runway
Rondam Ramblings
Insomniac Ramblings
Ramblings of a Mid-Life Mom
Ramblings From a Glass Half Full
The Demented Ramblings of a Drama Student
Lunatic Ramblings
Ramblings of a Luddite Geek
Mathman's Ramblings
paran0id's life ramblings
Inane Thoughts & Insane Ramblings
Incoherant Ramblings
Nonsensical Ramblings
Ramblings on Trust, Reputation
ramblings of a waspgoddess
because ramblings inspire me
Ramblings of an unfettered mind
The ramblings of an internet junkie gone larping
Ramblings Of An Undisturbed Mind
Ramblings of an Idle Insomniac
Ramblings of a Pheasant Plucker
Rabid Ramblings
Ramblings of an asshole
Ramblings of the Mildly Insane
Ramblings of the Fizzy Loon Extraordinaire
Quintessential Rambling

Rambling Deep Thoughts

Ugly but natural

I try and go for long walks on Band Stand with two of my friends. The time generally is late evening, when one can see and say hello to Salman Khan and Katrina Kaif. This time of the day is generally quite with not many "Tourists" eating Bhutta and enjoying the sea. By this time, most of the Pani Puris and sookha bhel guys start packing up their stuff and are on the verge of leaving. You can occasionally see, groups of "lukhas" hanging around their cars, drinking beer or whatever and listening to "Gajals" and Pankaj Udhaas songs. The louder the stereo, the better the guys feel. They also make it a point to look at you, when you are close enough to be "leached" at. They might be talking about anything but the moment these punters (harmless, though) see any form of female species, they start talking in Engleesh. You hear lot of " Ya Ya, Cool it man, Cool it Baby, Rocking, Solid, Mast, Too good" kind of words.

But on Saturdays and Sundays evening, this place is sheer hell. Thousands of people come here to make out or to watch others make out, on the rocks. All those middle aged women with streaked hair with enough make up to embarrass "Shahnaz Hussain". All this dressing up, just to go around that one kilometre of Promenade. Its quite enjoyable to hear them in their different accented English. "You know, she is such a bitch". "No beta, don't go near the water". "Beta, follow your mommy and learn how to become a shallow bastard." Don't worry darlings, he'll grow up to be like one of the schoolboys there, in their long hair and fake Armani Shirt, with cigarettes in their hands, trying so hard to look like John Travolta in Grease. He would probably grow up to hang around in his dad's car, going around in circles on Band Stand, with music on, windows open and leaching at girls in mini skirts and Levis jeans. ( Harmless, though ).

There's something about that place that pulls you to it. It's far from being the perfect place to hang around, on a weekend. It's overcrowded and full of pseudo people masquerading as Nobel price winners. But there's something else. Every place has a certain character, a personality that leaves its mark on you the moment you walk one of its streets and Bandra seems to have a rather alluring one.

If you see three rather ugly looking women walking on the promenade in the evening, its most probably us. Come and say hello but please don't try and use words like "Solid and Rocking". We may be real ugly but we don't put make up like Shahnaz Hussain. Know, what I mean?

Rediff Mail

I have never, ever, visited Rediff, since the day it was launched, in India. Not even once. Not because, they were below my standard or anything. ( My standard hardly matters. Even my own Chaprasi does not give a shit ) The reason was simple. I already was on Yahoo mail and was using Yahoo to surf the net. Few years after, Google came up with their mega sized, user friendly version, so I switched to Gmail.

My geek friend, who is based in Palo Alto, e-mailed me about Rediff Mail. I've never seen this geek getting excited about anything in life. So, I was, kind of forced to go to Rediff, to try their new mail.

You have to pass through the most un esthetical, un appealing, ugly piece of shit, cluttered, home page, to access the rediff mail. How come, nobody at Rediff ever saw the home page. Can't it be made little neater. I am sure, there are good design companies which can do a good job of putting together a good home page. Take a look. How does one expect someone to see this and then, use their mail? The only thing remaining on the page is the daily rates of Alu and Tamatar.

Fair enough. I made a new account. Starting using it and just fell in love. It offers unlimited space ( not exactly true ) a very friendly user interface and a preview window to see your messages. Works like charm. The guys at Rediff have made us proud.

The only annoying thing is the amount of ads, which distract you while using the mail services. Other than that, I am very impressed. Try it. You may not want to go back to Gmail or Yahoo.

Hello: Click on pictures to enlarge. Do we have to talk about it , every time?

How to put a background image in your blog header?

I had the honor of wasting some precious time ( i could have slept, instead) last night, to understand how to change my header picture. There are ten thousand posts on this topic and every one is written in so complex and difficult manner, that a layman will not even think of doing it.

While random surfing , I came across a comment posted by someone ( sorry sir, I lost the link) where in, he makes it so bloody simple, that I felt like laughing. I wish to add here that all the so called "self proclaimed" blog consultants, can go and shove it, you know where.

I will try and post that comment here, if I am able to find it again. But if someone do need the information, please email me. Its too simple to be true.

Tower Defence.

My friend who happens to be the biggest gamer in the world, told me about this game (the game, which is embedded on top left on this blog). This is the most addidtive game in the whole wide world. If you don't trust me, try it for couple of minutes. The idea is to kill the creeps before they reach the end of the maze. You do this by building attacking towers on the grass around the maze.

To build click on the one you want to build on the right, then click on the map where you want it to be built. Once built you can click on them to upgrade or sell. To get to a high score keep as much of your gold in the bank as possible, at the end of each round you earn interest on the gold in the bank.Special levels are where the creeps are none-normal, they include FAST [6, 13, 19, 26, 32] AIR [8, 17, 27] IMMUNE [10, 21, 32] BOSS [11, 22, 33] You get wood every 7 levels. Use wood to research upgrades.

You will find yourself playing this game more than you think is healthy. I promise you will not leave your chair for several hours. Don't forget to crank up your computer speakers.

My highest score

I know few young brats in their 20's that are real pain in the ass. No, they are not arrogant or ill mannered but they suffer from a certain type of socio disorder, which is becoming quite popular with the new generation of young executives. They are the new "Social nitwits." When most of us carry cell phones, few of the lucky, successful kinds, carry Blackberries from RIM. (Research in Motion). Its a PDA, combined with few kick ass utilities. It gives you access to push e-mail, mobile telephone, text messaging, internet faxing, web browsing and other wireless information services. In one of the Dilbert comic strip Dogbert teaches the employees how to look as if they were paying attention while using their Blackberry. Its also fondly known as "crack berry". Because it uses both thumbs to type, people who use blackberry for a longer duration of time, suffer from sore thumbs. Last when I was in America, a spa located in New York was offering relief for blackberry users. They were offering an exclusive "Blackberry Finger Massage" for only Rs. 3000.00 an hour. The amount is just a little more, than my monthly pocket money. If you know, what I mean.

Companies offer Blackberry to employees, so as to increase productivity and bring in a sense of time, in their employees. Well, while that may hold true for some, the other 97.3% of them, are using Blackberry for something else, which happens to be real annoying for people around them. Its a embedded game called Brick Breaker.

In this time of astoundingly realistic video games, Brick Breaker is straight out of "Bhagwan Ram" Times. It has developed a cult following with executives shackled to their email. Players exchange strategies in chat rooms, brag about their proficiency and pay homage to Brick Breaker superstars, a few biggest losers with top scores of over six lakhs. I am friends with a young CEO, who got the game removed from his Blackberry, but the withdrawal symptoms were so strong, that he had to load it, back in. I was so disgusted with these "pain in the ass" kind of people, with their screwed up social manners that I wanted to find out as to why its so popular. My extensive research tells me that these "PIA" types have a lot of dead time on their hands. Second reason is that its a social game, which means that you are not trying to beat the computer but your friends. Even though it appears you are playing against the computer, you are actually playing against your colleagues because all scores are globally tabulated and players ranked. It gives you the right to brag (about your personal top scores). So when these guys meet other blackberry owners, lets say in a party, they don't say “You are very pretty" but say “What’s your score?". Anything that works for them, I guess. Bloody Freaks.

Next time, if I see anyone around me, playing this stupid game, I'm going to pound it into fine powder and flush it down the toilet. I will start with the bigger one and then proceed with the smaller one. (Pictures at the top)

My score would be the most interesting of all. "Oh, my score is only 6, so far".

Press Wala

Meet Om Prakash. My presswala. His workshop cum house is in the colony, which is bank opposite the Mount Mary Church. A hardworking, dedicated family man. This post is for this guy who is always smiling and happy and can teach all of us the key to happiness.

Keep it up buddy. Really, one doesn't need billions to be happy in life.

Prodigal Daughter

I had the honor of meeting up with this lady a couple of days back. She came from a small town to work in Mumbai. Since, she was new to Mumbai, she was offered to stay at my friend’s place, till the time, she can figure out a place on her own.

She comes across as an intelligent, clean, girl next door kind, the first time you meet her. Works in an advertising company and handles client servicing. She is supposedly a hard worker and has a kick ass attitude towards life. This post is not about her Curriculum Vitae, it’s about what makes her so special and so different. Kind of freaky though. It gives me shivers, just thinking about it.

During a course of discussion, I came across a startling revelation about her. I was dismayed and traumatized to hear it the first time but then as the time went on; I started appreciating her talent and devotion to a certain cause.

It so happened that her mother bought shares of two companies. The companies were doing well but her mother was not very pleased with the annual returns of the invested amount. This is when she came into picture. Being a fine young girl, who also happened to have good breeding and “Sanskar”, she decided to help her mom, in a very different and unheard of method.

The companies her mother had invested in were Nestle and United Breweries. She decided henceforth, to only eat products from these two companies and also promote her cause amongst her friends and family.

Hold your breath now. She, since the last 14 years has survived only on a diet of Maggie Noodles and King Fisher Beer. Yes sir. This is no small achievement, by any standards. She doesn’t eat anything except Maggie Noodles and drinks only Kingfisher Beer. No bread, roti, rice, sabzi or even water. She has tried every flavor Maggie has to offer and can distinguish any beer, even with closed eyes. She travels with her own stock of Maggie Noodles and Pints of Kingfisher Beer.

I spoke to a doctor friend about her case. He says “a high carbohydrate diet can lead to severe gas, bloating, heartburn, constipation etc.” He says that gas is made in the stomach because of indigestion, which causes burping and bloating. He further added that people with such high level of carbohydrate will have a possibility of inflammable gas coming out from the mouth. It leads to loud rumbling noises in the abdomen and releases “Maggie Masala” odor. She is proud of the fact that the depth, loudness and length of her burp are one of the finest in the world. I can envisage that, clearly. Last I met her; she was burping some new Chinese flavor which Maggie has launched.

Next time you want to light a cigarette, just make sure that she is not around. She might burp at the right time and you may end up exploding. Not a good way to die, don’t you think so?

A little Maturity and Grace

Time had come to change the look of my blog. After lot of experimentation and deliberation, I have decided on this current template. It’s supposed to give my blog more maturity and grace, especially when we talk about shit and piss, most of the time. You can now "proudly" show it to your parents also. I am sure your parents would just love it. I will though, try and get you morons, more embedded games. Ravi Yadava will start his job from Monday, so we will see lots of interviews and photographs of Bhakhras. How to eat in 20.00 Rs. at 3.00 in the night.


We have received hundreds of mails from prospective writers who want to contribute articles on this blog. We will meet up with them and try to ascertain their writing and abusing skills. You may see more writers in this blog, in the near future.

I miss her

I was out of the country for quite a while. I really don't enjoy traveling so much because I start missing India, the moment, I leave her. No warm smiles, no autos, no Band Stand, no Misal Pao or Vada Pao. No chilly Manchurian Hakka noodles. That's the reason of not writing for all this while. I hope, you suckers didn't miss me too much.

Brain is the KING

Why is that words like shit, turtle, piss, dump, pee etc are cool to use but words like tatti, pishab, mutra, mutari, gobar and sandaas etc are gross ?

My friend who is a quite learned has a theory for this phenomenon. He says that when we Indians, use English words for number 1 and number 2, it’s just an expression. But, when we use words in our own language for shitting and pissing, the cerebrum, (part of brain, which most of you don't have) acts in a very funny manner. Cerebrum, which has fifty thousand to one hundred thousand neurons, is divided in to two hemispheres, the right and left hemispheres. The dividing point is a deep grove called the longitudal cerebral fissure. The different sides of the cerebrum do different things for the opposite sides of the body. The right side of the cerebrum controls things such as imagination and 3-D forms. The other side of the brain, the left side, controls numbering skills, posture, and reasoning. So the moment we hear the word Tatti, it sends information to the brain, to form imagination and 3-D forms.

So in actuality, it’s not the word but the imagination and 3-D form of the word, which makes it gross.

Tags

Some people search blogs by topics. Topics are generally taged or Labelled. The more appropriate your label, the better the chances of people coming to your blog. These are the most popular tags, people search for, as of today.

design blog webdesign software music reference web2.0 programming tools css linux art web video news howto shopping photography tutorial javascript free business blogs mac imported google development ajax inspiration travel education games tips flash technology search java firefox security toread fun politics windows opensource ubuntu internet youtube osx online food research media books health community humor science ruby tutorials rails webdev social funny php audio jobs apple freeware illustration productivity photoshop writing download portfolio history money photo finance recipes article mobile wordpress resources hardware marketing advertising game photos graphics home lifehacks wiki cool .net diy tech library architecture html fashion python work magazine mp3 computer rubyonrails knitting slash microsoft culture email maps japan green seo entertainment math podcast film blogging environment secondlife plugin tv wishlist radio daily rss videos typography furniture images school fic gtd xml english extension networking shop.

And after this insightful tip about whats hot today, I am pleased to extend a warm welcome to all the idiots who fell for this stupid tag cloud phenomenon. Chapter no.1 of all cheap bloggers, to increase the traffic. Enoy the rest of you day or the night.

Naukri ya Chokri

Which are the most popular websites which our Indian Janta visits? We compiled a list on a scale of 1-100 based on three months of aggregated historical traffic data from millions of Alexa Toolbar users and a combined measure of page views and users. These results keep on changing but one can go to the source at the bottom of the post to see daily variations. Thank god that Naukri is still more important than getting married.

1. Yahoo!

2. Orkut.com

3. Google India

4.Google

5.Rediff.com

6.Microsoft Network (MSN)

7.YouTube

8.Naukri.com

9.Windows Live

10.Rapidshare.com

11. Blogger.com

12. Indiatimes

13. WikiPedia

14. Debonairblog.com

15. Megaupload

16.Microsoft Corporation

17. A World of Music - Raaga.com

18. Starware.com

19. MoneyControl.com

20. Cricinfo

21. Sify.com

22. Xboard.us

23. Monsterindia.com

24. Masala Talk

25.Santabanta.com

26. EBay India

27. ICICI Bank

28. RapidShare

29.Passport.net

30. Megashare.com

31. ICICI Direct

32.Shaadi

33.Googlesyndication.com

34. Indian Railway Catering and Tourism Corporation

35.Indian Railways

36. Freesexyindians.com

37. BharatMatrimony.com

38. Eenadu

39. Hi5

40. Digital Point Solutions

41. ClickJobs.com

42. Times Jobs & Careers

43.123 Greetings

44.EBay

45.Rediff Mail

46.msn.co.in

47.Amazon.com

48.sulekha.com

49. bseindia.com

50. Dadesiforum.com

51.Cooltoad.com

52.Tamilmatrimony.com

53.Jeevansathi.com

54.BBC Newsline Ticker

55.indiaglitz.com

56. imagevenue.com

57. The Internet Movie Database

58. Myspace

59. Picscrazy.com

60. CNET Download.com

61.HDFC Bank Ltd.

62.Zapak.com

63.Information.com

64. Google UK

65. Flickr

66. about.com

67. Geocities

68. makemytrip.com

69. metacafe.com

70.NDTV

71. idlebrain.com

72.indiansexstories.net

73. StatCounter.com

74.OneIndia.in

75. dinamalar.com

76.UserCash.com

77.Masala4india

78.National Stock Exchange of India (NSE)

79.IBM Corporation

80.Music India Online

81.Wordpress.com

82.Chitchatters.net

83.World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc.

84.Adult Friendfinder

85.Ibnlive.com

86.India Forums

87.99acres.com

88.Bharat Sanchar Nigam Ltd.

89.IndiaFM

90.ImageShack

91.Tagged

92.Anna University, Chennai

93.Answers.com

94.Hewlett-Packard Industrial Ethernet

95.Mywebsearch.com

96.Magicbricks.com

97.Thefacebook

98.Mobile9.com

99.Indya.com

100. Sancharnet (BSNL)

Embedded Games on Blog

Many of my friends wanted games on the blog. I have embedded two Japanese games on the Blog. I am sure, you will like it, given your I.Q level.

Curing Addiction

As I mentioned in my previous posts, that many a losers have taken to blogging to cure their insecurities and low self esteem. Just go to blog search and see the number of blogs on various topics. Search any word and I guarantee you, that you will get at least 2000 of blogs on that particular topic. Multiple that with the number of thousands of topics bloggers write on or offer their expert opinion and comments. Those are the kind of losers you are dealing with, in this world of blogging. The easiest blog to write is a critic blog where in someone picks a personality or a well known term and rip it apart with his/her expert comments. People who cannot act to save their lives, criticise actors and people who haven't been able to boil a egg in their lifetime, write about food and so on and so forth.

There surely comes a time for even these kind of losers ( bloggers) at some point, where they start to question themselves and their blogging habits. Mainly blog addiction etc.

One of the blog addicts wrote a piece on " Curing blogging addiction ".

Step 1. Time Restraint

When a blogger says that he would stop blogging, he has to promise that he will sleep at 12.00 and not till 2.00 A.M. Be firm on this. Place a curfew on yourself. Don't keep any cigarettes next to you. Start eating chilly chowmein or chilly hakka pakka noodles, make you feel miserable the whole night. I'm sure you know, how it works.

Step 2. Sleep till 2.30 P.M

98% of bloggers switch on their computer first thing in the morning, according to a study done by Mongolian Institute for Blog Research. So, if you wake up late, you are more likely to suffer from depression and which in turn will not make you write.

Step 3. Statistics - Don't see Too Much of Each Other

Blogging and statistics checking go hand-in-hand. So, limit the number of times you check your blog stats. Once a week is good enough. Start chewing your fingernails, instead.

Step 4. One day-One Post

Post only once a day. Take Prozac if depression dawns in. Pick up a fight with husband if unable to cope up with the build up stress.

Step 5. Destroy RSS Feeds

Delete everything. Start from scratch. Be ruthless. Start eating Half a kg of Cadbury Fruit & Nut chocolate to control the withdrawal. Have couple of bottles of bear in the afternoon. Increase your cigarette intake. Start smoking Hukka. Shout at co-workers. Cry at small things.Tear your hair off.

Step 6. - Get Out more often

There is a world out there. Go for a walk. Smell the roses. Talk to a real person face to face. Talk to strangers. Talk to trees and flowers. Talk to yourself. Make lot of gestures while walking. Laugh at yourself. Don't worry about what people think of you. Just get out.

Step 7. - Dump your Broadband

Finally, if all else fails switch back to dial-up. Dump your broadband connection and you’ll soon get so annoyed with how slow it used to be that you’ll just want to get away from that damn, slow, annoying computer. Frustration will prevail, so throw your brand new Sony laptop against the wall. Try eating 10 plates of "Misal" to kill yourself. Hopefully, you will be cured of your addiction.

Long Haired Freeky People

A very senior Art Director in Mumbai, who also happens to be eccentric, long haired and who is an unstable individual, has sent me something very interesting. At least I find it interesting and I’m not really sure about your interest level. As far as I am concerned, you are just morons who just log on to this blog, spend 14 minutes on an average and just log off, without writing a comment. I am still presuming that you guys are not as stupid as you think you are. If you don’t understand anything, please at least pretend that you understand. You might end up impressing your parents, for maybe, a little while.

Okay, what he sent me were logos which according to him (yeah, the unstable one) are the finest in the world. The creative teams who have done these logos suffer from perpetual constipation and delusion. Bloody, long haired people.

Here it comes:
.

This is one of the finest Indian logos, we have come across. Its for RPG Life Sciences and its for their division which handles CNS Products. CNS, stands for Central Nervous System. See the light emitting out of the logo. That depicts brain, punter. Incidentally, its done by a very young company named Young & Waters Healthcare Communications and Advertising.

Yeah, I am talking about the 'arrow' that you can see between the E and the x in this logo. The arrow was introduced to underscore speed and precision, which are part of the positioning of the company.

This was a logo designed in-house for some internal event at IBM. I like that they are quite relaxed about the logo, unlike certain other companies who do not like the logo to be tampered with in any way even for internal promotions.

I liked this logo of a hair stylist for the cheeky humour it brings to the (dressing) table.

This was a logo created for a puzzle game called Cluenatic. This game involves unravelling four clues. The logo has the letters C, L, U and E arranged as a maze. and from a distance, the logo looks like a key.

Eighty-20 is a small consulting company which does sophisticated financial modeling, as well as some solid database work. All their work is highly quantitative and relies on some serious computational power, and the logo is meant to convey it.

People first guess that 20% of the squares are darkened, but that turns out to be false after counting them. The trick is to view the dark squares as 1's and the light squares as 0's. Then the top line reads 1010000 and the bottom line reads 0010100, which represent 80 and 20 in binary.

Kinda like the surreal green screen of The Matrix, they want us to read stuff in binary

This logo is too good. For the name Eight, they have used a font in which each letter is a minor adaptation of the number 8.

You might think the arrow does nothing here. But it says that amazon has everything from a to z and it also represents the smile brought to the customer's face.

The above are two magazines from the Readers Digest stable. Again, the attempt to communicate what it is about quite figuratively through the logo catches my attention.

The above logo is for an editing studio. I like the way the logo attempts to convey what they do

The SUN Microsystems logo is a wonderful example of symmetry and order. It was a brilliant observation that the letters u and n while arranged adjacent to each other look a lot like the letter S in a perpendicular direction. Interesting.

If you guys know English Alphabets, please try and tell us what you think about it. Long haired freeky guy will be very happy.

My cute little friend

Little while ago, I was in Thailand with my friend. We were both on a shoe string budget and enjoyed being out of money, all the time. After bumming around the city for a day, we decided to see every little place worth seeing there. So, we bought some stuff like water, map and some rolls of toilet paper and off we went on an exploration spree. All we had between us was a backpack with couple of T-Shirts and little important stuff like passports and some money. We had already spent long hours trekking its highlands, wandering through its national parks. We had already seen Chiang Mai and its beautiful temples.

We had decided beforehand, about spending as much time as possible in Ko Samui Island. It is a place of choice for voyagers of all kinds. Its crystal blue waters and a battalion of restaurants were too much to resist. . On top of it, the island, we had heard, had the most resonating nightlife. Apart from couple of stray episodes like having bad stomach, running out of toilet paper at the right time, shitting in the bushes, making sure that no insect or snake chews our ass etc, we were, kind of okay. It was a very normal trekking expedition. We had seen worse.

One day, my friend and I were dead beat and hungry. We picked a small and cheap restaurant. It was a little joint with couple of good looking women sitting enjoying their beer. We selected our table ( if you could call it one) in such a fashion that we could see the best figured, swimsuit wearing babes from our angle of vision. We sat down and asked for couple of beer to start with and asked the waiter to leave the menu behind. My friend "winked" at him and asked him to come after a little while. Now, winking was one habit, I hated my friend for. It can have different connotations at different places, you know. Couple of beer down, the waiter came and stood next to us. Time for ordering food. "Any recommendations, in pasta", we asked. “Whole, pasta shit.” he asked, looking at us and smiling.

What the shit, man? Who the hell does he think, he is. Jackie Chan? Bloody, garbage eating, worm. The scum of the earth. What is he implying? Is he calling my friend shit because he winked at him? Or is he trying to tell us that we are shit, compared to the sexier breed sitting there. Or is he telling us to buzz off because we wink at innocent waiters? Ground control to Major Tom.?

My friend was apparently shocked too because he asked the waiter, very politely, to repeat what he just said. “Whole, pasta shit.” The waiter said again, looking at my friend and not smiling, this time. This was getting waaaaaaay out of line. I managed to keep my silence and anger under control. We were looking at each other and thought of all the possibilities of how to knock this creature down, without getting arrested in this foreign land. I could swear that I saw the babes looking at us and snickering. Bitch.

There are times in ones life, when one needs to keep his anger under control and think with a "cool mind". Luckily, the waiter pointed at the menu: “whole pasta sheet." Sheets of pasta, with cheese and walnut sauce.

Why didn't you tell us so? Open your mouth, for god sake. All this misunderstanding for nothing, my cute little friend.

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The biggest connoisseur of the world

Ravi Yadava is the biggest connoisseur, foodie, petu, bhukha in this whole wide world. A "Bashinda" of Bandra Reclamation, he literally drools at the mention of Khana. The way a man closes his eyes and thinks about a pretty woman, that’s the way he fanaticizes about food. He is Jughead's "Baap" of Archie’s comics.

According to one of the “Time” magazine’s survey of 120 death row prisoner’s wish list, 93% said they wanted to have their own choice of food before dying. Ravi feels the same, but he feels it, every fucking single day. He may be busy if you tell him that someone’s got to be taken to a hospital but he will be there on time, if you going out to eat something special. The reason this guy did not go to Roger Waters show was because the organizers were not allowing eatables inside.

Luckily for him, he runs his own pharmaceutical consultancy, which takes him all over the world. Most of the people like to go and visit historical landmark when in a new country. But, not him. No, sir. He only goes to restaurants to try different cuisines. Majority of the men appreciate a good looking woman but Ravi appreciates, what that woman is eating. If he says "what amazing pair of legs, man", rest assured, he is talking about chicken legs. He is the one who gave India its famous slogan. “Khao aur Khana do”. You get the drift, don't you?

There are lots of blogs which talks about restaurants in Mumbai. There are magazines and tons of columns which do the same, on a regular basis. We feel it’s only for people who have money but “bums” neither have money nor the inclination of spending huge amount of money on food. The idea of good food is its taste, the time you can get it at and you should not feel the pinch when you walk out of the eatery. What if you need to eat Chinese at 3 in the morning? Where would you get good Misal Pao at 2.30, in the night? Kebabs, which cost one tenth and which tastes 7 times better than what you get in any of these cool restaurants. Which is the place to get “Mast” Fish curry with rice at 4.00 Am? What about a coffee for Rs. 5.00 before you start jogging at 6 A.M? Oops, I’m so sorry. Bloggers and people, who read blogs, don’t jog.

We are going to buy Raavi Yadava, a digital camera and pay him Rs.20.00 as a daily allowance. He can spend all that money on the food and do an analysis based on few parametres. We also might get him a medical insurance to cover his e-coli and Entamoeba Histolica infections. We will be posting lots of photographs on the food section, to give you guys a real feel of the place.

The parameters will be on taste, price, timings, carte du jour, ambiance (meaning what kind of trash you have around the bhakhra) and hygiene. (Meaning, is the food cooked in potable water or in human urine) We will also tell you the number of times; the food handler touches his crotch while serving food.

We are going to take Ravi out for dinner tonight and try and sell him the idea in a very discrete and clever way. After all, it’s not easy for someone to take out the camera and go to every food stall in Mumbai, sample the food in the middle of night, especially when he has already eaten his dinner.

Tricks of the "Trade"

I am a kid, as far as blogging is concerned. I'm quickly learning few interesting facts about it. Let me share it with you. Well, you guys don't have any other choice do, you son of guns? You are my bloody captive audience.

The first thing is, that its too fucking boring to sit and write something. Too fucking boring, man. As I mentioned in my first post, bloggers are really assholes who have nothing better to do in life. They are no doubt, the greatest losers on this mother earth. A sane person will have other hobbies like running, jogging, playing golf, watching movies, reading literature etc. A blogger is a waste of time and is a self centered, egocentric, good for nothing, lazy, mind fucked, ass hole. A blog, according to me, is only read by other bloggers. Primarily to see what other bloggers are writing and what they are writing about. Hats off to the biggest losers on this planet man. I am so ashamed of you and myself.

There are certain useless tools which most of the blogger use. I have been instructed by my dear friend Siddarth Rao, to use one of them. Its called a stats counter. Its a free tool for poor bloggers. You will see this "thing" on the top left hand side of this blog. Its a tool which gives you statistics on how many people have logged on to your site. Where have they come from, how many times did they had sex in the last one month ( just kidding). It tells a blogger as to what keywords did you use to come to this site. The amount of time you spend on a site. It also tells a blogger Visitor Paths, Visit Length, Returning Visits, Recent Page load Activity, Recent Visitor Activity, Recent Visitor Map, Country/State/City, Browser System Stats. This incidentally, is a good tool for a statistician in a advertising company but not for someone who has better things to do in life.

Since the time I've fallen for this trashy habit, I've had only 1645 hits. Majority from India and rest from all over the world. Guess, what was was most popular word in my blog which made people come here. Its, Anna Nicole Smith. She was of a "giving" nature when alive, she is still giving bloggers unique visitors. Every time I log on to the net, I see how many more idiots have logged on to this blog. Its addictive and its making me crazy.

I have decided, that I will invite writers to write regularly on this blog, so that it takes off the load, off my head. I will send invitation to losers I've known in my life, so that they feel important in their own eyes. Please tell me if you know any such losers who can write shitty stuff everyday. Are YOU up to it, you asshole?

PS: I have called bloggers names. Its only for males bloggers. Female bloggers are not assholes, stupid, boring, losers, waste of time, self centered, egocentric, good for nothing.

Shitting Bricks

Yesterday I received a frantic call from one of my adorable friend. He is 27, handsome and lives in Pali Hill. He runs his own fashion company and travels across the world for business purposes. Life has been a party, till his parents went out and selected a bride for him. The complete family is after his life to get married and settle down. He was shitting bricks when he called me, does not want to get married and wanted my true and honest opinion. He understands that I being a “bum” will have a different perspective about marriage.

I checked the internet and compiled a list of reasons for not getting married. Then, to balance the list, I compiled a list for reasons to get married. I am going to call him now, so that he can make his own decision. I just hope, that he doesn’t get confused, in the process. We don’t want him to get depressed, do we now? Buddy, here's the list and best of luck.

Being Single

You get the whole bed to yourself.
There's half as much housework, cooking, and cleaning to do.
You can watch whatever TV channel you like, without arguments.
You can get home from work at whatever time you like.
There are fewer important birthdays (spouse, kids, spouse’s parents, Etc) and no anniversaries to accidentally forget.
Without a spouse you have can still have a decent social life in your 30s.
You don’t have to live halfway between your workplace and your spouse’s workplace.
Once you’re married most of your friends will also be married, and coincidentally (like you, if you marry) they will mostly be staying home with their own spouse’s instead of hanging out with you.
You can lie in bed in the morning for as long as you like.
Nobody sees what you look like first thing in the morning.
You can throw your dirty socks on the floor where they belong.
There is no pressure to make bed in the morning.
You don’t have to worry about what the bathroom smells like when you walk out of it.
You know where the bar of soap has been.
No one snores.
Folding clothes? No thank you.
There’s no fight for remote control ownership.
Smelly socks and underwear are not that big of an issue when you’re only washing your own.
On your way out you know that you’re shoes are right where you took them off yesterday.
You don't have to shave if you don’t want to.
You don’t have to share your razor with anyone.
You don't have to buy valentines/birthday/mother's day cards.
You won’t have anyone saying 'you're not going to wear that, are you?
If you are married and no fashion sense your spouse thinks you’re a moron. If you’re single and have no fashion sense people think you are eccentric.
Burning the food is not a big deal.
You’re not as accountable to anyone - if i want to do something, i just do it!
If you mess up your finances you have no one to blame but yourself.
You always know exactly how much is in your checking account.
You can watch a late show on the bedroom TV and no one complains.
There are no unexplainable moods to contend with.
You never have to say where you've been or what you've been doing.
There’s no curfew.
You never have to hide anything in your shopping cart under other stuff.
You can spend all you want or all you have – it doesn’t matter.
You never have to worry about saying what you think, or having to pretend you’re thinking something that you’re not.
You can be rude if that’s in you’re nature.
You can eat what you want.
You can join a gym because you want to, not because your spouse is embarrassed by the way you look.
If you get fired from work you’re not considered a loser – just unemployed.
You can have friends over who behave outrageously whenever you want.
You can surf the internet till you’re eyes fall out if you want to.
You can listen to your favorite tunes in the house or in the car and no one fiddles with the station or complains about your taste in music.
You can spend all night on the phone without having to justify it.
You can go to bed when you please – or not.
You can read all night if you want to.
No one criticizes the condition of your car or expects you to wash it.
There's plenty of space in the closet.
You don't have to pretend that you’re interested in what happened to your spouse at work today.
When you’re single there is a lot less drama in your life.
You can drink wine out of a bottle or milk right out of the jug whenever you like.
You don’t have to excuse your behavior to a spouse.
You can fart at will.
When you’re single your opinion is always the best opinion.
You never have disagreements with what a spouse when you’re single.
When you’re single you can enjoy great performances of gay musicians and actors without getting that “eye-rolling” thing from your spouse.
You don't have to listen to your spouse pant every time their favorite actor or musician comes on the television.
When you’re single you can flush – or not.
You can put the lid up or put the lid down – it’s up to you.
If you’re single you can eat right out of the refrigerator and no one cares.
You don’t have to share anything with anyone.
No in-laws (this one speaks for itself)
Grow your nails, cut your nails – it doesn’t matter.
Pajamas or not – doesn’t matter.
Sweatpants and baggy shirt – no one cares.
When you’re single you can paint the town instead of the house.
When you get home after work, you don't have to start work again.
You can tell people you’re single and not have to lie about it.
You’ll save about Rs. 500,000 in “Ration” bills alone over the next 20 years if you stay single.
When you’re single you get to keep all the money.
When you’re single you get to hold the actual credit card and not just the bill.
If you are so inclined you can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week.
When you’re single going to a ladies bar doesn't have to be a covert mission.
You can come home drunk and not have to pretend you’re sober.
When you’re single you can tell the person criticizing your driving to “get out!”
When you’re single you can lick the spoon and keep on stirring like nothing happened.
When you’re single you never miss all the things you used to be able to do before you got married.
Married people with gray hair are thought of as old and tired, but single people with gray hair are considered wise and distinguished.
Finally, when you’re single you can enjoy the silence any time you want.

Being married

Assumption of spouse’s pension.
Bereavement leave.
Exemption from property tax on partner’s death.
Immunity from testifying against spouse.
Joint bankruptcy benefits.
Medical decisions on behalf of partner.
Reduced rate memberships to a variety of gyms, clubs, etc.
Visitation of partner in hospital or prison (if this ever becomes an issue).
Intimate emotional support from a spouse.
Monogamous sex.
Children.
Married people have better emotional and physical health and statistically live longer than do unmarried people.
Married couples have greater incomes than do single adults, and the longer they stay married, the more wealth they accumulate.
Married couples enjoy greater sexual satisfaction than do unmarried people because they tend to be more secure with one another.
Married women are safer than unmarried women. Never-married, cohabiting, separated, and divorced women experience higher rates of domestic violence than do married women.
Marriage makes homes safer places to live, because it curbs social problems such as domestic violence and child abuse.
Marriage is the best antidote to poverty because combines assets make for better homes and relationships.
Married people are more likely to be healthy, productive, and engaged citizens, benefiting businesses and, ultimately, the economy.
Married people are more emotionally and financially stable and goal oriented.
They tend to be more committed to the relationship than single or cohabitating people.
Reliable companionship.
Married couples are traditionally a two-car family so you’d have a backup vehicle if one of them ever breaks down.
Some married couples can share portions of their wardrobes, giving you more dress and fashion options.
If you’re married you actually get Diwali, Eid , Christmas and birthday presents that are a surprise instead of buying for yourself.
Holidays are much more fun with a spouse.
Vacations are much more fun with a spouse.
There’s always someone to confide in in a marriage you have someone there who is as concerned about your health and well-being as they are their own health and well-being.
In a marriage you always have someone you can bounce ideas off of and get honest and beneficial feedback.
In a stable marriage you never have to worry about your partner cheating or leaving you.
When you get old and ugly there’s still someone who loves you and thinks you’re gorgeous.
In a marriage you evolve and mature with someone else at the same pace and share similar interests.
By getting married you avoid the cultural stigma of being single.
If you marry you have a chance to experience and enjoy both lifestyles – single and married.
Married people enjoy the satisfaction of caring for someone else in a way that single people often never experience.
Married people who have children also get to experience a larger extended family (grandchildren, cousins, aunts, uncles, in-laws, etc)
By virtue of the larger extended family married people have a much larger support base if the need ever arises.
Marriage promotes a greater sense of self and character. People who are married are confident about their place in their relationship and in the big scheme of things.
The courtship process that leads up to the marriage is an important growth phase that is viewed by most people as extremely rewarding and satisfying.

Shobhaa De or Dorothy Parker

Around 6 years back, I was traveling to Mumbai from Delhi on Indian Railway’s Rajdhani. It was third AC tier and I was on the waiting list. Fortunately, my ticket got confirmed at the last minute and I was given a Lalu birth. Lalu Birth is the seat which is bang opposite the normal compartment right in the corridor. It’s a seat which is used by pantry car guys to keep their "balti" and paraphernalia on. Like the second grade citizen’s kind of place. Like you haven't paid full fare or as if you don't understand Engleesh. The length of the birth is 5 feet which is a matter of grave unease for taller people. You can't stretch because of the length of the birth and can't sit because the gap between your head and the roof is a couple of feet. But one cannot have his cake and eat it too. Paise nahin hain, toh "compromise" karna hi paraga.

As the train was leaving the platform, a girl, out of nowhere, dropped herself in front of my seat. Wet from head to toe, she was cursing the Delhi rain. I was horrified to know that she was going to be my train mate for the rest of the journey.

Daughter of an Army officer, she was a natural in striking conversation. "What the हेल was I smiling about", was her first question to me। Her second statement was “how the हेल can it rain like this? As if I was the rain god. How the fuck would I know, man.

My first impression was that she was a gum chewing, dumb woman who loves to swear and shock fellow travelers. But dear sir, perceptions can be deceptive. She turned out to be a blend of Shobhaa De and Dorothy Parker. (FYI: Any reader, who thinks that Shobhaa De cannot be compared to Dorothy Parker, can please go, and सतुफ्फ़ himself.) She was sarcastically witty, very well read with a sharp eye for her surroundings. During the journey, she told me excellent true stories, spoke about work of great Poets and writers, discussed politics like a seasoned politician and had a very clear, logical view about happenings around our world. She was a born story teller and knew how to impress people. I was mesmerized by this personality the way a child is impressed by the first time plane ride. She was an editor with an electronic magazine in Mumbai and seemed quite passionate about her job.

I'm meeting her in a couple of days after a gap of 5 years. She is now a senior editor with a National Daily in Mumbai.

I only hope that she doesn’t ask me “what the हेक्क am I smiling about", when I meet her this time.

Anna Nicole Smith V/S Chicken

I was asked by my mother to go and get some chicken for dinner. She was expecting a few "dear" friends over. She briefed me like I was some fucked up management trainee in Microsoft, on how to select good chicken, the price, the sex and weight etc. I was told to get chicken "breasts" only and no other part of chicken anatomy. I think I'm a pretty smart individual but when someone treats me like a kid, I get really really pissed. Come on, don't insult my intelligence. I have my own blog now. And I can buy good quality chicken "breasts". She was trying to tell me where to get it from but I was kind of getting fidgety, so I just ran out of the house. I will figure it out, man.

It was 2.00 when I started my expedition. I went to Khar Dhanda road. The shop was closed. While I was coming back, I stopped at American Bakery, where the Salman Khan thing happened. There was this guy in wheelchair, who was more than willing to guide me to the nearest "fresh, live" ( zinda) chicken place at Chinmai Road. Keep going straight till you smell and hear em. That punter was also closed. Afternoon siesta, I guess. A telephone linesman told me to go to Khar Station. You guessed it. It was also closed. What the fuck man. Its just chicken breasts, for god sake. Its not Anna Nicole Smith's breasts, if you know what I mean.

The frustration was building up but I was not going to give up so easily. Not without a fight, damn it. I called my friend who was kind enough not to laugh about it. She told me a place next to Barista near Lilavati, Bandra.

Went there, told the guy what I wanted। "Give chicken breast "इनकू बेरेस्ट दे रे " he told his assistant। Thank god it was breast I was after and not something else. I smiled just thinking about, as to how the conversation would have gone if it were some other part of chicken anatomy.

Dekho Gadha Pishab Kar Raha Hai

Walk into any of the two coffee shops on Band Stand. You will notice two small garages which has been tastefully converted into coffee shops. Its a place with small plastic chairs, where, one is supposed sit and relax over a cup of coffee. You spend a minimum of Rs.50.00 per head there. If you are lucky and have a boyfriend or a girlfriend in tow, you might even end up spending a couple of hundred in that joint.

The coffee, no doubt, is good. Even though its lukewarm, most of the time. Some messed up American system, I guess. The people around you are interesting. You see young guys flexing their muscles in a very polite, subtle way and young girls reading books heavier than their own weight. The more complex the name of the book, the better its for your self esteem. The guys have Gel in their hair and women smell wonderful because of costly imported perfumes. Everybody is trying to make intelligent conversation. Metaphysical kind of conversation. Everyone is TOWKIN in English, including the poor waiters. The idea is to impress the woman or the man sitting next to you in couple of minutes with your high I.Q. After all, we are paying 5 times more for coffee here, than the guys who sells it on a bicycle on Band Stand. But bicycle wala bhaiya does not understand Engleesh, no.

The most interesting thing about the place is that it does not have a toilet. None of them. Period.

So, if someone does not live in the neighbourhood, they should empty their bladder properly before coming here. The management of these coffee shops do not realise that coffee has caffeine in it and it is a natural diuretic. It makes one piss more than average.

So, what does one do in that case. If you genetically blessed and are of male species, you do what every Indian male does in this scenario. Go and take a leak anywhere. Anywhere, meaning, anywhere. Maybe, on Shahrukh Khan's bunglow's wall. By the time someone will notice, you will be gone.

But darling, what if you are a woman? In that case, you go back to your home or your friend's place or better still, catch an auto and go to Taj Land's End. And come back for another cup of coffee here.

What about the poor staff who works here? I have even seen a lady working here, I guess. Does the company reimburses her for the auto fare to Taj? I don't think so.

I was a little kid when Band Stand promenade was built. The whole stretch of promenade does not have even one half decent toilet for women. Why? The people who made it or conceived it, did not even think about it. Why should we spend so much money on making a toilet when any place on Band Stand can be used as one.

Wow. Cool.

That's the reason why band stand smells so nice in the evening. The combined smell of fish and urine is so unique and "different."

Just Chill - for you

If you are familiar with Mount Mary Road in Bandra, you would know the lane where someone has painted graffiti on the wall. Its next to Jackie Shroff's apartment building. I see it everyday and laugh at some kid's over enthusiasm. It says" Just Chill". But below that someone has painted "for you". So, I end up reading it as "Just chill for you." One of my friends mentioned that it may be the graffiti artist's signature. Possible.

My theory says, its just plain fuck up. It doesn't really matter but I have been pissed off about it for a long time.

" Just chill, for you".

Go, figure it out.

I wish, I had the guts to go and correct it.

Who is a blogger ?

Its been a while, since I wanted to have my own bloody blog. Never had the time or the inclination to start one. Too lazy to even remotely think of waking till 3.00 am everyday to write this piece of shit. Even though its the most bloody easiest thing any body can do in ones life. I've seen losers, tokers, dropouts and smokers, who have turned to blogging to give them a sense of doing something worthwhile in their lives.

It fulfills the entire gamut of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Blogging according to me fulfils everything from physiological to self transcendence stage in a man's life. The bigger the loser, the better blogger he turn out to be.

Can't become a rock star, no problem. Become a blogger.

Nobody loves you. No worries. Start a blog.

The alcohol level in the body doesn't allow you to sleep. Start a blog.

I want to pat myself for being so " f****** intelligent". Look mama, I am a blogger now.